Untitled Poem

Write write write.
Right.

Stop the madness
Stop the transference

Worry keeps you busy but
gets you nowhere

know where

Exorcise the ghosts by
inviting them in

make them comfortable
a bit of tea
sweet treats

Sugar’s the weapon
That’s it

Sugar free, worry free, demon free

Nothing’s free

Little joys…

Soak in the sun but
block it out

Benefits with a price of life

That’s everything

exchange a little life for living each day

Clock is ticking
fast
and slow

Too fast for ghosts
but they keep up anyway

Mind over matter?
Does an apparition have mass?
Matter?

It doesn’t matter anymore

Except to me

What you think is irrelevant
Don’t should all over me

My battle.

Book Riot’s From Zero to Well-Read in 100 Books: I Failed Huckleberry Finn

I love Book Riot; when they published From Zero to Well-Read in 100 Books, I felt up to the challenge.

Never mind that my TBR pile already has more than 100 books awaiting attention. I decided to read my way through this list with the only rule being I would have to re-read anything on it I haven’t opened in the past 5 years.  The list is alphabetical and I started with the first one: The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn.

Huck wasn’t part of my scholastic curriculum.  His buddy Tom made two appearances.  I thought this would be easy.  Fooled, yet again.

My first problem was the phonetically spelled dialect.  Allow me to clarify: I understand why it’s there. I do not have a problem with this technique being in existence.  I do not mind reading through it occasionally.  I simply cannot focus well enough for a main character’s dialogue to require code breaking.  By the time I get to the end of Jim’s statement, I need to go back to the beginning to remember what he started to say and why.  It’s distracting, disheartening and I closed the book after 200 pages or so.  It’s hard to love to read and have issues that prevent me from enjoying it.

Discussing my dislike of phonetics and dialects at the dinner table was a mistake. (A little background, perhaps again: I’m the only liberal arts minded person in this house.  My husband has a PhD in Applied Math; his mind is scientifically oriented.  About two years ago,  my stepson decided school is useless.  He completed high school via a part time alternative learning program and pretended to be interested in college for about a year.   He has an interest in computer science and programming but no desire (or maybe courage) to take the steps to make this interest a career.)  My roles as sole liberal arts major and perceived grammar snob took center stage over my thoughtfully prepared dinner. To explain the conversation simply, and in no way fully, my husband reminded me that “proper grammar” was arbitrarily deemed the standard by a group of white elitists and dictates who is considered educated and worthy of being included in business/society/(insert any institution here). Though I haven’t researched it,  just living in a very white society tells me he’s not wrong.  My stepson claims we have spell check, grammar check and auto-correct so we do not need to learn proper grammar. I’ll save his assessment for another post after I stop banging my head against the desk… and wall… and (insert dull, strong object here).  I made a mess of defending myself against grammatical snobbery while simultaneously reinforcing my designation. We went in circles around grammar, education, elitism, prejudgement, politics and I forget what else.

By participating in all these extra discussions, I lost my chance to explain what I meant.  My panic disorder has robbed me of the concentration to read unusually written dialogue. It’s another facet of my life I fear I’ll never get back.

My other problem is probably another post waiting in the wings. I was reading Huck when Florida declared George Zimmerman not guilty. My introspection on the state of our judicial system, perceptions and injustice sent me into a hole of depression so deep that the casualness of the N word in Huck made me cry. I still can’t gather my words well enough to discuss this well enough for posting. It’s too important to try with a scrambled brain.

I was fighting through to read Huck. I decided I can’t right. I need to pick my battles and joining Jim and him on their raft will have to wait a little longer.

I’m going to continue reading Book Riot’s list, though perhaps not in order. There are a few named that correspond to my TBR pile… and I think it’ll take me much longer than the hypothetical 4 years mentioned. I need to accept that.

Question for those who have finished Huck Finn:  Does anyone else think Huck’s entire story is just another one of his easily concocted lies?   I think he and Jim never set foot on that raft……

Baby Steps

So one would THINK summer would make healthy eating easier— an abundance of fresh fruits and vegetables, grilling with minimal fats, long days of sunlight to get your exercising done…  July has been a healthy goal roller coaster with too many parties hosted by fabulous cooks and hot days where walking to the fridge for something cold has been difficult.

I learned something though. There’s nothing wrong with enjoying a cheeseburger or hot dog or ice cream.   It may make my goals take longer to reach but I don’t want a life of missing out on anything fun or yummy.  I refuse to “punish” myself for a little bit of indulgence.   I still struggle with moderation. I probably always will. But, if that’s how I’m put together, that’s how I have to live.

I’ll learn to adjust.

I’ll learn to adapt.

I’ll learn to enjoy myself without feeling guilty and knowing I haven’t  blown it by just taking some time off to enjoy life.

I want to apply this to my writing.

I haven’t updated this blog since February.  I’ve started 6 posts but always walked away from it. I’ve decided I need to express myself in small doses here.  This may be a bit of an experiment.  You will not read many of the emotional topics I wish to discuss all the time.  You’ll get these little thoughts that was bound for Facebook and was transferred here in today’s attempt to stand up to my demons.

I have been silenced and have silenced myself for too long. I’m going to put it out there regardless of my scrambled brain and anxieties.

At least today. 🙂